How Seeing Others’ Best Can Change Everything
At the beginning of my healing journey, I read a lot. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about what I was going through—life was full of stressful, pivotal shifts, and every conversation felt like it would turn into a full trauma dump. In retrospect, this was exactly what I needed to sort it all out and step out of the tornado of emotions in my head.
Early on, I came across a concept that reshaped everything for me: we are all doing our best.
Before this, I hadn’t considered it fully. I knew I was always trying my best, and as shitty as it sounds, I hadn’t thought to extend that understanding to others in all moments. What looks imperfect or hurtful from the outside could very well be someone else’s best effort.
It’s easy to judge others through our own lens. Someone cuts you off in traffic, and your first thought might be frustration or anger. But maybe they were late to pick up a loved one, distracted by bad news they just received, or unaware of their habits. Regardless, they made the best decision they could in that moment. From your point of view, it was glaringly wrong, but from theirs, it was the best they could do. The same is true in relationships—people act with the emotional resources they have. Their “best” may look imperfect, but it’s all they could offer at the time.
Best is not perfection. It’s the best we can do with the awareness and tools we currently have. For someone grieving a loved one, their best may be much smaller than it was before. For someone newly in love, it may be far more expansive than it used to be. Our best is personal and situational—it’s about what we are capable of right now, not some abstract “ideal.”
When I first encountered this idea, I was navigating a newly estranged relationship with my parents. I couldn’t believe their actions—or my siblings’—and the weight of it all was incredibly overwhelming. But seeing the situation through the lens of “we are all doing our best” changed everything for me. We were all navigating a difficult, emotionally heavy situation in the middle of a pandemic…no one was thriving or showing up at 100%. We all lacked some emotional tools that could have diffused the situation. Mistakes were made, outcomes weren’t perfect—but we all showed up with what we had, did our best, and now I believe that that was enough.
As I really began to let this concept sink in, blame began to dissolve. The frustration, disappointment, shame, and hurt I carried so close to my heart slowly lifted and was replaced by empathy—for myself, and for all of us. I looked our situation a little more through their eyes, their traumas, and the difficult intricacies of the situation for them. In the moment, I had expected them to show up fully in all ways, but now when looking back, I know that none of us could.
There is incredible freedom in releasing others from the burden of our expectations and accepting that they are showing up as themselves, their own traumas, triggers, and instabilities in tow. To give friends, family, strangers, and even ourselves the grace for their current version to be imperfect, and for the best they are capable of giving to be enough.
Sometimes it can feel like an oversimplification, but for me, that’s mostly because we’ve been conditioned to focus on life’s imperfections. To hold a grudge or anger is commonplace, but there is an unseen burden on ourselves to carry these emotions within us. Embracing this mindset allows life to flow more freely, letting events unfold as they will, and accepting life as it is—imperfect.
For me, this perspective is just as important for our past selves. Looking back, it’s easy to see glaring mistakes or moments we wish we’d handled differently. We often forget to be kind to ourselves, to give our past selves grace, to recognize that we cannot be responsible for that which we did not know. All of our past decisions were made with the best intentions and the tools we had at the time. To let that be is not a pass for bad behavior, but an acceptance that to be human is to be imperfect (and it’s alright).
Today, I am doing my best. It’s not perfect. At times, I get wrapped up in emotions that don’t serve me. Pieces may fall, needs of those around me sometimes go unmet. I will forever stumble at times as a mother, spouse, daughter, sister, business owner and friend. And that’s okay. Expecting perfection—of ourselves or others—is unrealistic. When I ground myself, I come back to allowing humans to be human.
So next time you’re hard on yourself or someone around you, ask: Are you holding them to a standard of perfection, or are you allowing them to be exactly who they are? Are you considering that they are showing up with all that they have? That they may not have all of the tools or awareness you want them to? Are you letting their best—and your best—be enough?
